Lessons from therapy (part 2)

Two of my biggest learnings in therapy were, firstly, how terribly I spoke to myself in my head and, secondly, how to do something about that negative voice. I know I’m not the only one who does this, so I thought I would share some of the tips I have learnt in the past four years. 

Here’s a scenario for you. Say, you left a gate open between two mobs of sheep and you realise this about 25 minutes later when you're on your way back home. You know you have to sort it out, otherwise the mobs will box up. You spin around and head back to close the gate. What is running through your mind at that point?

A. “Bloody typical, I always do something like this. Why do I do this to myself? Dave wouldn’t have left the gate open….” 

B. “Oh no, how long has that been open for? What if they’ve already mixed? It’ll take forever to sort them back out. Dave will find out and think I’m useless. Why didn’t I double-check before I left?!”

C. “You [insert swearword] idiot. Why was I so dumb? It’s one job, just close the gate! Now I’ve wasted fuel and time just because I’m stupid. And why now?! I’m already behind.”

D. “Good job I realised now, I guess. Annoying but fixable. I’ll get there in 25 minutes, close it, and check if the sheep have mixed. It’s been a hell of a day, things get missed. Just gotta make sure it doesn’t happen again!”

Now, if you answered D, you can probably stop reading now. But for everyone else who sees traces of their own inner voice in those first three answers, maybe stick around. The words we say to ourselves on a daily basis matter. If they sound like A, B or C, chances are we’re making life harder for ourselves and it doesn’t have to be that way. 

So, why is it important to be aware of how you speak to yourself? Well, there’s a few things. 

For me, the negative self-talk in my head was one of the reasons I couldn't find happiness, no matter how many ‘good’ things I did. I'd exercise, I’d do yoga, I'd meditate and journal, and still things just didn't feel genuine. It all felt forced. And that is because the constant monologue within my head was automatically programmed to be negative.

I know this isn't something that happens to me alone. I often hear people calling themselves dumb for forgetting things or berating themselves for a decision they made that didn’t turn out how they’d hoped. Sometimes that inner voice can be dissuading, sometimes it can be demeaning. And sometimes it can be downright depressing.

As humans, we are capable of feeling a vast range of emotions throughout the day, from one moment to another, and your inner monologue should have a range of emotions. However, when only one or two emotions drive the narrative, they can obscure the reality of what you’re going through. 

For me, I had a series of things go wrong in life and when things went wrong my inner voice sort of went, “Oh well, that's what happens to you.” My drive and passion to succeed slowly disappeared because I didn’t want the experience of doing something wrong or something going wrong, so I avoided all experiences. 

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Why do we speak to ourselves the way we do? Where does that voice come from? What is it made up of and how do you change it?

Your inner monologue is an amalgamation of your thoughts, emotions, memories and beliefs, many of which are rooted in your past. Experiences from childhood, pivotal moments and even subtle interactions leave their mark, creating the lens through which you view the world today. These imprints shape not only how you interpret events but also how you talk to yourself.

The difficulty here is that, as children, when a lot of these foundations were being built, we were not able to fully process what we were experiencing. So, many of these pivotal moments might be hidden in the haze of childhood memories. For example, you could have had a crappy primary school teacher who made you feel like you weren’t smart. This could lead to an inner narrative where you doubt your intelligence, even as an adult, despite evidence to the contrary. These early experiences can settle deep in your subconscious, shaping how you view yourself and your abilities without you realising it. I mean, when was the last time you thought about how your teacher spoke to you at the age of seven? 

The beliefs formed in those moments often go unchallenged, quietly influencing your confidence, choices and the way you respond to experiences throughout life.

The interesting thing is what is happening in the brain - the biology of it - your inner monologue is the result of how your brain has been wired over time. A lot of it has to do with something called neuroplasticity, which is just a fancy way of saying that your brain has the ability to reshape itself. Every time you think a particular thought, it’s like walking the same path in a paddock. The more you walk it, the more defined the track becomes, making it easier for your brain to go down that route again. That’s why your inner monologue can feel automatic, because it’s simply the well-worn path your brain is used to taking.

The good news is that neuroplasticity works both ways, meaning you can create new and more positive paths by consciously choosing different thoughts. It’s not always easy. There may be some scrub to clear or some gnarly gorges to cross but, with repetition, the new path becomes clearer and, eventually, it’s the easier and more preferable one to take. 

We can also look at negative self-talk from an evolutionary perspective. Negativity bias is an evolutionary hangover designed to keep us alive. Back in the day, when survival depended on spotting dangers like predators or impending food shortages, our brains learned to prioritise negative information. Even now, in a much less life-threatening world, your brain is still programmed to focus on what has gone wrong or what could go wrong. That’s why one mistake, like leaving the gate open, can feel so much bigger than the ten things you did right that day.

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So, now you know some of the reasons behind why we may talk to ourselves the way we do - and perhaps you can acknowledge that the critical voice in your head is not ‘the truth’ as such, it’s just your brain doing what it’s been trained to do - what can you do about it?

Well, tapping into the benefits of neuroplasticity - which I touched on briefly before - is essentially the way you re-train your brain. To begin this process, you first have to pay proper attention to your inner critic and the stories it tells you. Once you’re aware of it, you can then go down the well-worn farm track to find the ‘why’ behind that belief. Once you find the root cause, it’s far easier to change your inner dialogue to something more productive and kind because you can see those beliefs for what they are.

It’s not an easy task, to bring up things that may have upset you in your past (that’s why therapists exist!) but it can be done. 

I’ll share an example of a conversation I recently had with a friend. I’d noticed she often called herself stupid when making minor mistakes and we were chatting casually about reading as kids when the word ‘stupid’ came up. Our conversation went like this:

Her: “I liked to read books as a kid, so I knew more words, so I didn’t sound stupid.”

Me, realising this may be a reason behind the negative self-narrative. “Oh, really?”

Her: “Yeah, I always used to ask my teacher how to pronounce the longer words.”

Me: “So you wouldn’t sound stupid… as a seven-year-old?”

Her: “Yeah!”

Me: “Do you really think that’s something a seven-year-old should care about? You’re meant to be stupid at that age.”

Her: “Yeah, but I just didn’t want to sound stupid.”

Me: “Why would you worry about that though?”

Her: “I guess because my older siblings were really clever and I’m not.” 

She said it so casually. Someone I know to be clever and brilliant said the words “I’m not” ... in the present tense! That belief from childhood is still so deeply rooted in her brain that when she makes even the slightest mistake as an adult, her brain automatically follows the path of “I’m a stupid person.”

She’s not stupid. She was just younger and less developed than her siblings. She wanted to be as clever as a child three years older than herself and, in doing so, set herself up for failure both as a kid and as an adult.

These days, she’s actively working on that negative inner monologue. When she finds herself calling herself stupid, she checks herself. Does that one mistake warrant such negative self-talk? Nine times out of ten, it doesn’t. Having gone back down that well-worn path to find the root of it makes it far, far easier to snap out of it because you realise just how ridiculous those inner words can be. 

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Retraining your brain is all about awareness and practice and the first step is noticing when your inner critic shows up. It’s easy to miss when you’re caught up in it. But, once you start paying attention, you’ll start to see the patterns. One thing I’ve found helpful is asking myself, “Would I say this to a friend?” If the answer is, “No!”, then I know I’ve slipped into negative self-talk.

Next, try shifting the narrative. If I think, “I’m an idiot for forgetting that thing,” I pause and replace it with something like, “I made a mistake, but it doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. Mistakes happen.” It’s small but, over time, that new, kinder narrative becomes the default. It takes repetition, but it’s worth it. Or, if replacing it doesn’t feel genuine, try repeating it back in a silly accent. For me, I would repeat the negative self-talk back to myself in a Donald Duck accent. Not only did I realise how silly the words were, but it also made me laugh during what was a pretty dark time. 

I really hope that this helps at least one person reading this. Changing the way you talk to yourself is not an overnight fix. It’s like learning a new habit and, like any habit, it takes time. At first, you’ll probably slip up a lot and that’s okay. The important thing is that you keep coming back to it. Acknowledge the old patterns, gently redirect them and be patient with yourself. Eventually, a different inner narrative will become your default and you’ll be amazed at how much lighter you feel. This isn’t just about thinking differently, it’s about creating a new way of being. And once you get there, you’ll realise how much power you actually have to shape your thoughts and therefore your life.

Written by Sophie Barnes

Podcast, Content and Data Manager at neXtgen Agri